On depression:
I don’t often blog this frankly/boringly/self-indulgently but I feel a strong need to put this down somewhere (so please forgive me if this bores you and don’t hold it against me. I am not particularly looking for any response of any kind- but I feel that a problem shared is a problem halved).
Recently, I’ve found myself struggling with the most lethargic kind of depression. It comes and goes in waves (of my own doing) but just when I think I have it beaten (with self-aggrandising cries and inspirational phrases), it settles back again - my biggest bugbear (a leviathan of sorts).
The strange thing about depression is how easily it hides itself. To my parents- I’m just in a bad mood; to my sisters- I’m lazy; to my friends- distant, lately. Now, it could be that all these things are true (and certainly, lately, they have been) but they are symptomatically of depression (depression, of course, being a symptom of some larger problem).
The depression characterises itself in the following vicious cycle:
- Total lack of drive/motivation/confidence
- Days of proof of this (I do nothing for a day, two days, three days, a week)
- I wake up one day: enlightened- I’m ready to fight it!
- The turnaround: Leave the house, do something productive, gain an iota of confidence somehow.
- The fall: Fail at any of the above (even after a string of successful productivity or confidence)
- Repeat 1 ad nauseum.
